i don’t wear makeup. i don’t wear dresses.

I don’t wear makeup. I don’t wear dresses. I laughingly tell people, “Hey, I grew up with three older brothers, got used to being ‘one of the guys,’ what can I say…;” or I grin and go, “I came of age during the Woodstock era, we hippie girls shunned makeup and that headset just stuck, I guess;” or, I smile broadly and say, “Once a tomboy always a tomboy…”

What I don’t say is, I’m afraid if I look too girly I’ll be assaulted.

What I don’t say is, Well actually, truth be told, The Dress Girl once [once that I know of anyway…] put makeup on and wore a dress to the mall some years back – I don’t know what all she did there though except that, she did go into the Gap.

What I don’t say is, I want to wear dresses and I’m working up to it, I have two right now in my closet plus two skirts…

What I don’t say is, I would like to wear makeup if I feel like it but, it draws attention to a woman and that might increase my chances of getting assaulted.

At the same time, if anyone tries to sexually violate me again I swear to God I’ll take his eyeballs out with my bare fingers.

You could say I have mixed feelings.

This entry was posted in Dissociative identity disorder (DID), Healing from child sexual abuse, Healing from rape, Healing from sexual assault, PTSD and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to i don’t wear makeup. i don’t wear dresses.

  1. I feel like this and it is SO hard to explain why, but you have nailed that feeling for me! If I feel really triggered, skirts and dresses are out. Thank you for writing this. x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dear, dear StarkInsanity,

      My sincere apologies for not taking the time sOOner, to reply to your very personal comment. I’d been pretty much avoiding this blog of mine — the work got too hard? :-/

      But, I’m bAAAck… LOL. 😉 And I wanted you to know how much I appreciated your words.

      It’s a bitch, ain’t it, that a gurl can’t even just put on a doggone dress or skirt when she wants…

      The POWER of those wretched abusers, it just makes me wanna holler. 😦


      • Hello😊
        Don’t worry that you spent time away from your blog, sometimes it’s necessary. Healing is very personal and takes each of us down a different road.
        I managed to wear a skirt yesterday! I felt strange but slowly got used to it. I hope I can keep it up. I hope you manage to as well. X

        Liked by 1 person

      • Spending time away from blog: Yup; was just necessary for a spell. 🙂

        Meanwhile, AMEN that you “managed to wear” a skirt! 😀 I have since this post also: denim; A-line, just below knee. Love / lovED it!

        YAY both of us! 😉


  2. Leah says:

    I can relate.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank yoU for leaving a reply, Stella! 🙂 I love when people leave comments, it makes a blog-post less like “talking to myself” and more like a conversation.

    These words of yours sum up well one of the reasons I began writing this blog: “….people don’t want to hear the real truth. it is too uncomfortable for them. So…we mold our answers to make things easier for everyone else.”

    If comfortable means sticking our individual &/or collective heads in the sand regarding sexual abuse, then maybe people need to reexamine their comfort zones, as, that head-in-the-sand mentality serves to perpetuate the problem/aides & abets perpetrators.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. i love this post. I don’t really love what you are writing about, it is heart breaking, but i love that you wrote it. That you are sharing it. I often tell people one things, when in my head I am thinking something so much worse. but people don’t want to hear the real truth. it is too uncomfortable for them. So, yet again, we mold our answers to make things easier for everyone else. Thank you for writing this.

    Liked by 2 people

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