not keeping the abuse a secret

a child-sexual-abuse survivor's blog

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hard chain to break

I’m single.  Not in a relationship.  (For, years and, years.)  So, my son has urged me to try online dating avenues.

This is the thing.

What being sexually abused as a child does to a woman… — What being sexually abused by an older brother you used to look up to, does to a child… — What seeing your father r-e-g-u-l-a-r-y steer your sisters into his bedroom to sexually abuse them does to one… — What being roofied and raped as an adult does to a woman — What being raped by a guy you meet in a club and make the mistake of inviting home does to a woman…

Gosh, how to say this?

Um, there’s a lack of trust that ensues??  (Righteously so, folks.)  (Common-sense logically so.)  (Like, one would have to be an idiot or, severely dissociative [<- Been there, too…] to “trust normally?”  I mean, C’mon.)

cartoon, your worst fear, by matt bors--fr dailykosDOTcom
Your Worst Fear
Not all men.  Just some.”
— Matt Bors cartoon.
Find political cartoonist Matt Bors on Facebook at ,
on Twitter at .

 Hard chain to break…



i don’t wear makeup. i don’t wear dresses.

I don’t wear makeup. I don’t wear dresses. I laughingly tell people, “Hey, I grew up with three older brothers, got used to being ‘one of the guys,’ what can I say…;” or I grin and go, “I came of age during the Woodstock era, we hippie girls shunned makeup and that headset just stuck, I guess;” or, I smile broadly and say, “Once a tomboy always a tomboy…”

What I don’t say is, I’m afraid if I look too girly I’ll be assaulted.

What I don’t say is, Well actually, truth be told, The Dress Girl once [once that I know of anyway…] put makeup on and wore a dress to the mall some years back – I don’t know what all she did there though except that, she did go into the Gap.

What I don’t say is, I want to wear dresses and I’m working up to it, I have two right now in my closet plus two skirts…

What I don’t say is, I would like to wear makeup if I feel like it but, it draws attention to a woman and that might increase my chances of getting assaulted.

At the same time, if anyone tries to sexually violate me again I swear to God I’ll take his eyeballs out with my bare fingers.

You could say I have mixed feelings.

[1] — inspiration

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I have been in SUCH a slump now for weeks, feeling so bereft of family even though I come from a family of seven children (plus have, a son and grandson…).

Recognize that I have to pull myself out of this; I have before, I will, always, again — I am, first & foremost, a survivor — but some days/weeks are harder than others. :-/

I was Google-searching sexual abuse survivor blogs and felt nudged by Kim Coleman’s: “kimmysurviving,” . Thank you, Kim.

Felt further nudged by Kim’s Google+ post, “Don’t stay silent on sexual abuse” , a CNN Opinion piece by Allison Brennan.

Then, somewhere along in there, what do I see but, “18 Survivors Of Sexual Assault Tell The Numbers Behind Their Stories” — — with brave women holding up poster-sized signs that made/make, me want to cry.

It’s nice to know, others want the silence to stop, too.

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